You’re probably reading this because someone you care about has shared their experience of sexual violence, or you want to be proactive and learn how to support any victim/survivor of sexual abuse. Sexual harm is a widespread concern, so it’s wise to look for guidance on how to be helpful. Survivors are more likely to tell or make a disclosure to someone they trust—such as a friend, partner, teacher, clergy, or family member—than they are to report to any officials. That person may be you.

In the moment, your thoughts might race with questions and doubts about what you can say. But there is no perfect line or way to act that will make it all better. What’s most important is simply being there, ready to listen, and offering compassionate support. 

They Chose You

By sharing what happened to them, a survivor is placing trust in you. Disclosing sexual violence can be one of the hardest steps they will ever take. They may have spent days, months, or even years wondering whether anyone would believe them. Fear of being blamed, judged, or treated differently is common. Some survivors also feel anxious that they’ll be pressured into making decisions they’re not ready to make. 

Your response can honor their decision to speak out and help them on their healing journey. And the good news is that you don’t need to be any kind of expert to listen, believe, and show compassion.

Why Your Response Matters

Research and survivor advocacy organizations consistently emphasize that caring responses can help reduce feelings of shame and isolation, while dismissive or blaming responses can make it harder for survivors to seek help and recover.

Simply showing compassion and a willingness to listen can make someone feel less alone. It shows them that people want to help and clears the path for finding further support if they want it. Yes, you can help create a foundation for healing.

Start by Listening

Many people feel pressure to say the perfect thing. In reality, there is no ideal script. What survivors often need most is someone who will listen without judgment.

When someone shares their experience:

• Give them your full attention.
• Let them speak at their own pace.
• Avoid interrupting.
• Do not push for details.
• Accept what they choose to share.

Remember that there is no “right” way for a survivor to act. Some may cry. Others may appear calm or detached. Some may share every detail, while others may say very little. All of these behaviors can be normal, so just focus on listening.

What You Can Say

Many people worry they’ll blurt the wrong thing. If you are unsure what to say, keep it simple.

Here are some supportive statements:

• “Thank you for telling me.” or “I’m glad you felt safe sharing that with me.”
• “I believe you,” if they express worries that they won’t be believed.
• “What happened to you was not your fault,” and “You didn’t deserve this,” can be especially helpful if they are blaming themselves.
• “I’m sorry this happened to you.”
• “I’m here for you.”
• “How can I support you right now?”

These statements communicate belief, validation, and support—all things that experts highlight as important when responding to survivors.

Sometimes the most helpful response is simply: “I’m listening.”

What Not to Say

Remember, sharing is a vulnerable moment for survivors. Even well-intentioned comments can be hurtful. Try to avoid questions or statements that can come off as blaming, shaming, or doubtful, such as:

• “Why didn’t you tell someone sooner?”
• “Why didn’t you fight back?”
• “Are you sure that’s what happened?”
• “What were you wearing?”
• “Were you drinking or high?”
• “They don’t seem like a bad person. Are you sure you’re not confused?”
• “I would have handled it differently.”

These comments can unintentionally place responsibility on the survivor rather than the person who caused the harm. It can drive them to shut down and discourage them from seeking any other support. Keep the focus on being compassionate and remember that sexual violence is never the victim’s fault!

If You Wish You’d Responded Differently

If you look back and wish you had reacted better when someone disclosed sexual violence to you, you’re not alone. It can be helpful to revisit the conversation now that you’ve researched how to have a comforting discussion.

Consider saying: “I’ve been thinking about what you shared with me, and I didn’t respond as well as I could have, or the way you deserved. Would it be okay if we talked about it again?”

By asking permission, you give the survivor control over whether they want to continue the conversation.

If they do, keep your focus on listening and offering support. Simple statements like the ones at the top of this section can go a long way.

Let Survivors Make Their Own Decisions

After disclosing sexual violence, survivors may face many decisions. They may be considering counseling, medical care, reporting to law enforcement, telling family members, or simply taking time to process what happened.

While it is natural to want to help, avoid making decisions for them.

Instead, consider saying:

• “What feels right for you right now?”
• “Would you like help finding resources?”
• “Do you want me to sit with you while you make that call?”
• “I know a webpage that lays out options for survivors. Want to read it together?”

Offering options rather than directions helps survivors maintain control over their own choices. It’s a key aspect of trauma-informed support, which focuses on survivors making informed decisions about what happens next.

Healing Looks Different for Everyone

There is no timeline or set way of healing after sexual violence. Some survivors may want to talk often about what happened. Others may not want to discuss it again for a long time. Some may seek counseling immediately, while others may wait months or years.

You might notice changes in mood, sleep, relationships, or daily routines. Trauma affects people differently, and recovery is rarely a straight line.

One of the most helpful things you can do is continue showing up. Check in periodically. Let them know you care. Continue inviting them to activities and conversations without pressure.

Simple messages such as “Thinking of you today,” or “I’m here if you ever want to talk,” can remind survivors that they are not alone.

Connecting Survivors with Support

Friends and family can provide critical emotional support. But it’s also normal not to have all the answers or tools your loved one needs in the aftermath of sexual harm. Professional support can help them process trauma, explore options, and access additional resources.

At Clove Alliance, we provide free and confidential services for survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones in Kankakee, Iroquois, and Ford Counties. Our services are available to survivors of all ages and include:

• A 24/7 crisis hotline: 815.932.3322
• Confidential counseling offered in individual, family, couples, and group settings
• Advocacy in medical and legal settings
• Legal services to secure rights within the legal system

If someone you care about has experienced sexual violence, you can share Clove Alliance’s hotline number and let them know we are always here to listen and talk about their options. You can also reach out yourself if you have questions about how to support a loved one or need your own support after taking in their story.

If you are outside our service area, we can still take your call and help you connect to support in your community. You can also call RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE or message them online or via text. 

Every Compassionate Response Matters

If someone tells you they’ve been sexually assaulted or abused, you do not need the perfect words. What matters most is that you listen, believe them, and respond with compassion.

A survivor may not remember every detail of your conversation, but they will likely remember how you made them feel. By offering support instead of judgment, and empathy instead of doubt, you can help create a safer path toward healing.

And if more support is needed, Clove Alliance is here to help.

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Want to Learn More About Supporting Survivors?

Many people want to help survivors but have never really learned how. If you’re ready to build your knowledge and confidence, join Clove Alliance’s Sexual Violence Crisis Intervention Training! Participants gain a deeper understanding of sexual violence, trauma, survivor-centered support, and advocacy skills. So, whether you want to volunteer, strengthen your professional skills, or simply become more informed, this training can help you better support survivors in your life and community. 

Check our events page for the next training block or email volunteer@clovealliance.org for more info.