How to Navigate a Difficult Season with Care for Yourself or a Loved One

The holidays are often described as a joyful time filled with family and friends. But it can take on a very different feeling for many survivors of sexual violence. 60 percent of survivors know the person who raped them. That number jumps to 93 percent for victims of child sexual abuse. Often, they were harmed by a family member or a friend, which can make the holiday season fraught. Going to gatherings and parties may mean being around people who violated them, disbelieved their story, blamed them for the abuse, or ignored warning signs. Even familiar settings, like being in a hometown or taking part in old traditions, can stir painful memories and emotions.

If this sounds familiar—whether you’re a survivor or supporting one—you are not alone! Here are some ways to navigate this time of year with compassion and resilience, for survivors and the people who love them alike.

Holiday Tips for Survivors 

1. Recognize and Honor Your Feelings

You may feel sadness, anger, anxiety, or even guilt about avoiding certain people or traditions. You might also feel torn between wanting connection and needing distance. All of these reactions are valid.

Survivors may also face additional emotional challenges that can peak at this time of year: betrayal by someone who should have been trustworthy, or pressure from relatives or friend groups to “keep the peace.” Remember that you do not owe anyone forgiveness, explanations, or your presence. Protecting yourself is not selfish; it’s a form of healing.

If you’re supporting a survivor, remind them of this fact. Offer empathy and reassurance that their comfort, safety, and peace come first.

2. Set Boundaries That Protect You

Boundaries are acts of self-care, not conflict. You have the right to decide who you spend time with, what conversations you’ll engage in, and which traditions you participate in.

Before the holidays, take time to think about how you want to participate. Ask yourself:

• Who makes me feel safe and supported?
• Who or what situations make me feel anxious or triggered?
• What can I do to prepare in case I feel overwhelmed?

Thinking about these things will help you decide on your boundaries for this year. They might look like saying no to events where your abuser will be present, limiting the length of your visits, bringing a trusted friend or partner for support, or leaving early if you begin to feel uncomfortable.

If others push back or guilt you, remember that your boundaries are not up for debate. You deserve to feel safe.

3. Create a Safety and Support Plan

If you have to attend an event where you might see your abuser, unsupportive people, or be in a triggering environment, plan ahead to protect your emotional safety.

• Identify a safe person: Think of a person, or a few, that you can text, call, or stay close to during the event. 
• Have an exit strategy: Know how you’ll leave if you begin to feel unsafe or overwhelmed, and give yourself permission to do so. You might choose to drive separately, familiarize yourself with public transit options, ask a friend to be “on call” if you need a ride, or set aside money for a rideshare.
• Set realistic expectations: You don’t have to be cheerful or perfectly composed. It’s okay to prioritize getting through the day with your well-being intact. Self-care and grounding techniques can help.

4. Practice Self-Care and Grounding

The holidays don’t have to be perfect or performative. Putting self-care first will help protect you from unnecessary stress and emotional pain. Do things that make you feel restored and safe. The core basics of getting good rest, drinking plenty of water, and eating nutritious foods are a great place to start.

During stressful moments, grounding techniques can reconnect you to the present. Some methods include taking slow and deep breaths, naming five things you can see and hear, stepping outside for fresh air, drinking water, or holding something warm, such as a tea or a heat pack. You can also carry a calming playlist, a piece of jewelry with meaning, or a small object that reminds you of the present moment. You can reach for these things if you feel overwhelmed.

Holiday Tips for Supporters of Survivors

If you have a loved one who has experienced sexual abuse from family or friends, be aware that the holidays may be particularly painful for them. You can be a much-needed support during this season.

1. Believe Survivors

It’s all too common for people to disbelieve or dismiss survivors’ experiences. Those attitudes may even come from close family or friends who blame them for, or even deny what happened….and still expect them to show up for their holiday party. 

Being a person the survivor can trust and feel safe around starts with recognizing what they have been through. It starts by believing. Be affirming and open to what the survivor shares. It’s common for them to express doubt about being taken seriously. If that happens, reassure them by saying, “I believe you. I am here for you.” 

2. Support Survivors

Survivors might avoid gatherings, withdraw emotionally, or seem distant when they are having a difficult time. The best thing you can do is respect their choices and avoid pressure.

Do not urge them to “forgive and forget” or attend events that make them feel unsafe. Let them know they are in control of their decisions. You can say things like:

• “You don’t owe anyone your time.”
•  “You can decide what feels right for you this year.”
• “I can join you if you don’t want to skip the event. We can leave whenever you want.”

If possible, help create alternative traditions. You can suggest a smaller dinner with limited guests, gathering with supportive friends instead of family, volunteering together, or spending time in a safe and affirming environment.

Reclaim Your Holidays

Survivors deserve peace and joy. Reclaim this season in a way that feels healing for you—whether that means starting new traditions, spending time with people who make you feel safe, or simply resting. Your well-being matters more than anyone’s expectations.

Healing from sexual violence is a lifelong process, but you are not defined by what was done to you. This season, give yourself permission to choose peace, seek support, and surround yourself with compassion.

Connect with Professional Support

At Clove Alliance, we see healing happen all the time while supporting survivors and their loved ones in Kankakee, Iroquois, and Ford counties in Illinois. Our specialized counselors and advocates provide free, confidential services to help you process trauma, set boundaries, and plan for safety during the holidays and beyond.

Our services include:

• 24/7 crisis hotline at 815.932.3322
• Counseling (in-person, virtual, or phone) for survivors and loved ones 
• Advocacy for survivors navigating reporting to law enforcement, seeking protective orders, or looking for medical care
• Prevention programs and training that empower our community to end sexual violence

If you’re unsure where to start, reach out to us at counseling@clovealliance.org or call 815.932.7273. Every conversation is confidential, judgment-free, and centered on your needs.